What is Self-Compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff, a researcher and leader in the area of self-compassion, has described self-compassion as “when we suffer, caring for ourselves as we would care for someone we truly love.” Well, that sounds nice! But, how can it help me? Research suggests that self-compassion can be associated with less anxiety, depression, and stress; and, more life satisfaction and happiness. Interested?
Let’s look at the three components of self-compassion, as defined by Dr. Kristin Neff, and an example of how you might practice:
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgement
We are imperfect beings. Yet, we can often experience critical, nagging inner dialogue that can have a tendency to say mean things when we make a mistake, feel shame, or fail. A “critical voice” might say that you’re not doing enough, you’re not valuable, or you’re not deserving of something. Would you talk to a friend like that? Probably not! But somehow, that critical inner chatter may feel all too familiar.
Self-kindness encourages a different type of inner chatter – a tone of warmth and nurturing – because no one is perfect. If we can offer kind words to ourselves when we make a mistake, feel shame, or fail we may be able to lessen suffering because we are not fighting against an experience or trying to make reality something different than what it is.
Practice tip:
Consider experimenting with a short, non-judgmental phrase after making a mistake. Perhaps something like, “you’re doing your best.” You could try a few phrases on for size and see what feels right for you!
Common Humanity vs. Isolation
When we go through hard times or feel tough emotions, we can often feel isolated and alone – as if we are the only one experiencing that type of failure, shame, regret, difficult experience – you name it. Yet, we are not alone. This (*insert painful experience*) does not “only happen to me.” Pain is an inevitable part of life, for all humans. Self-compassion helps us connect to that common sense of humanity and can remind us that we are connected to one another through suffering. My painful experience may not look exactly like your painful experience, but we both sure do know pain!
Practice tip:
Next time you feel isolated or alone in the face of a difficult situation or emotion, you might try taking a moment to pause and kindly say something to yourself like, "I am not alone in my suffering right now. Other people know how hurtful this pain can feel." Everyone around you is experiencing their own kind of hardship.
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification
Before we can offer ourselves compassion, we have to be aware that we are in pain. This requires mindfulness – an awareness of our experience and an ability to direct our attention to that experience in the present moment, with openness and without judgment. Once you have recognized that you are in pain, self-compassion asks you to strike a balance between not trying to “get rid” of the pain, nor getting caught in a rip tide of negative thoughts and emotions. When we practice self-compassion, we aim to practice sitting with the experience, with love and kindness, while maintaining the perspective that we are not alone (remember that connection to humanity?).
Practice tip:
Consider naming the next difficult emotion you feel, such as “that’s shame,” or “that’s guilt.” You might try putting your hand over your heart as a gesture of self-compassion and taking a few deep breaths.
Treating yourself with compassion may be a very new concept! Show yourself compassion as you start to practice self-compassion! Over time, self-compassion may become a powerful tool for living your happiest life.
References:
1. Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a health attitude toward onself. Self and Identity, 2, 85-102.
2. Zessin, U., Dickhäuser, O., & Garbade, S. (2015). The Relationship Between Self‐Compassion and Well‐Being: A Meta‐Analysis. Applied Psychology: Health
and Well‐Being, 7(3), 340‐364.
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