Dethroning the "SHOULD"
How many times a day do we use the word “SHOULD?” It seems as though we are constantly thinking about what we should be doing, what we should have done, or what we should do in the near and distant future (.... dishes, laundry, gym, start a business, have a family).
And it usually doesn't stop there. We very often direct those “shoulds” toward other people. Maybe a few of these sound familiar…. “You should have listened to me… You should do it like this.... You should have cleaned it up last night.”
One of my favorite psychology jokes is how our constant use of shoulds can be like “should-ing all over ourselves” (and others)! Thank you Albert Ellis.
Should is so often a part of our daily vocabulary that we may not notice how frequently we use the word - and it’s relatives - could, would, etc. Yet, should and it’s relatives can have a significant impact on us and others (who are on the receiving end of our should-ing). Have you ever paused to consider how you feel when you should on yourself? Have you considered how you feel when others should on you? Have you considered how others may feel when you should on them?
There can be common emotional experiences that we feel in response to all this should-ing:
When we should on ourselves, we may feel: guilty, sad, low, depressed, worthless, helpless, bad, like a failure, self-critical, or judgmental.
When we should on others, we may feel emotions toward that person such as: anger, frustration, or irritability.
When others should on us, we may feel: defensive, angry, undervalued, misunderstood, hurt, criticized, ridiculed, or judged.
These types of emotional reactions may influence our behavior in various ways. For example, we might be more likely to cope using avoidance strategies (like alcohol, procrastination, saying no to social opportunities, or over-working). We might become anxious, start behaving from a place of fear, or feel ineffective in our efforts to communicate well. We might freeze and feel unsure of what to do next.
Language can be powerful - even one word as seemingly innocent as should.
Consider these tips that may help us dethrone the SHOULD!
1. Identify the source
We may be so used to should-ing on ourselves that we don’t know where that “should” came from in the first place. We are often influenced by a myriad of different factors and experiences throughout our lives - from childhood experiences to family dynamics and social relationships to societal and cultural norms - and the list goes on. Next time you catch yourself should-ing, consider asking yourself, “where did this “should belief” come from?” Perhaps it has been influenced by someone or something during your lifetime. If so, you might get curious and consider, what do I think about this?
2. WANT instead of SHOULD:
Consider what you want to do - whether it be what you want to do differently next time, what you want to do right now, or what you want to do in the future. Similarly, consider what you want or would like others to do. Contemplating your values may give you some direction here - what are the things in life that are really important to you? By making this slight word swap, you may notice a different emotional charge to the statements you direct toward yourself and others.
3. Practice Acceptance
When our should-ing involves past or future experiences, we may be resisting what is. We may try to cope with this by ruminating - replaying past experiences over and over again - or worrying - fretting about potential future events. Unfortunately, rumination and worry are often unhelpful coping strategies. What might be more helpful is to practice gently bringing our awareness back to the present moment and consider using our inner dialogue to practice acceptance.
For example, we may first recognize that we are in pain about the past or afraid of the future; and, second, aim to bring loving-kind awareness to the experience, exactly as it is in that moment. We can use our inner dialogue to offer warmth and nurturing to ourselves when we need it most during these hard moments.
It is surprising how one little word may have a big impact on our well-being.
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