How to Be a Good Friend & Why it Can Be Worth The Effort
As adults, it can feel challenging to keep up with the friendships in our lives. Life is busy, the daily responsibilities are plentiful, and sometimes it just doesn't feel like there are enough hours in the day to check-in for a chat. And then you try getting your free moment to align with your friend’s free moment, and you can really feel like you’re trudging uphill. Maybe these obstacles leave you feeling like a “bad friend” at times.
Turns out, taking steps to be a “good friend” can not only be good for the friendship but can also be good for our health. Having strong social relationships has been associated with increased happiness, well-being (Demir et al., 2007; Myers, 2000), and longevity (Yang et al., 2016); and, associated with reduction in numerous health risks (Yang et al., 2016). According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the only needs more pressing than love and belonging are safety and basic physiological needs, like food and water.
So, for the sake of the important friendships in our lives and our health, how can we practice showing up as a “good friend?”
1. Express Gratitude and Do Kind Things
O’Connell, O’Shea, & Gallagher (2015) found that when individuals expressed gratitude toward someone in their social network, did kind things for someone in their social network, and reflected on the experience of kindness, they experienced increased relationship satisfaction and perceived improvements to their friendships.
Consider the relationships in your life. What are you grateful for in these relationships? What qualities or traits of your friends are you most grateful for? Perhaps these things could be expressed in writing or face-to-face. Moreso, what small acts of kindness may be particularly meaningful to the people closest to you? What words of kindness may feel comforting to someone you care about?
2. Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation
Practicing kindness toward others, even when we are alone, may also help us cultivate the friendships we want while supporting our health. Loving-kindness meditation (LKM) is a meditation practice that focuses on intentionally bringing awareness, specifically loving, kind, and compassionate awareness, to yourself, others, or both. A LKM may use phrases such as “I am enough” or “you are valuable.” A LKM may also include nurturing gestures during meditation, such as placing a hand over your heart.
Kok et al. (2013) found that practicing LKM can increase positive emotions. Importantly, authors also found that an increase in positive emotions from LKM can increase individuals' positive perceptions of their social connections. Even more so, these positive emotions and increased positive perceptions of social connections may improve the health of individuals who practice LKM. So, we may consider including a LKM in our day as one way to increase our positive emotions, sense of belonging, and potentially our own health.
3. Be Present and Mindfully Listen
You know that feeling when you have something to tell someone, and all you really want is someone to listen (not give you advice or tell you how the same thing happened to them)? You’re not alone in sometimes wanting this type of response. We often simply want a true listening ear. Consider a time in the past when you’ve really needed a listening ear. Does the friend who gave you their ear stand out? How do you feel toward that person for simply showing up and listening? Over time, small acts of showing up in this way can create many moments of meaningful connection and may be an easy way for you to be the friend you want to be.
To be present when listening to your nearest and dearest, you may practice mindful listening. You can practice mindful listening by intentionally directing, and redirecting, your attention to the words and experience of your friend. This type of listening sets the intention to listen without judgment or criticism; listening with an openness and acceptance. When practicing mindful listening, you may also be mindful of your internal thoughts, emotions, or reactions that may be influencing your role as an active listener.
Mindfulness takes practice and we are not seeking perfection. Be kind to yourself as you begin to practice listening in this way. It may be more challenging than expected. But with practice, I wonder what you may hear or experience in the words of your friend that perhaps may have gone unnoticed without listening mindfully?
Remember
Showing up as the kind of friend we want to be can feel intrinsically rewarding. Bonus points that our health can be boosted by our friendships! You might experiment with one or more of these tips and see how you feel about yourself as a friend and if you notice any changes within the friendship over time.
References
1. Demir, M., Özdemir, M., Weitekamp, L. A. (2007). Looking to happy tomorrows with friends: Best and close friendships as they predict happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 8, 243–271.
2. Kok, B. E., Coffey, K. A., Cohn, M. A., Catalino, L. I., Vacharkulksemsuk, T., Algoe, S. B., . . . Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). How positive emotions build physical health: Perceived positive social connections account for the upward spiral between positive emotions and vagal tone. Psychological Science, 24, 1123–1132. (Original doi: 10.1177/0956797612470827
3. Myers D. G. (2000). The funds, friends, and faith of happy people. Am Psychol., 55, 56-67. doi: 10.1037//0003-066x.55.1.56.
4. O’Connell, B. H., O’Shea, D., & Gallagher, S. (2015). Enhancing social relationships through positive psychology activities: A randomised controlled trial. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 11.
5. Yang, Y. C., Boen, C., Gerken, K., Li, T., Schorpp, K., & Harris, K. M. (2016). Social relationships and physiological determinants of longevity across the human lifespan. Proc Natl Acad Sci, 113, 578-83. doi: 10.1073/pnas.1511085112
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