How to Get Through a break-up. Part One: The Mind
Who knew that your heart could actually ‘ache’ during a break-up? Unfortunately, it can.
You may have read common suggestions for getting through a break-up, like distracting yourself, socializing, taking space, and - of course - “giving it time.” A wide variety of suggestions can certainly be helpful, and they may have an important place in your break-up process.
Here, we are going to take a different approach - a holistic approach to getting through a break-up. In three parts, we will consider brave ways of facing the pain after a break-up using the mind, body, and soul. Why ‘brave,’ you may ask? Because it is brave to face the music after a break-up, rather than trying to run from it, avoid it, or stuff it under the nearest rug.
To begin, we focus on the mind. The mind is complex. On one hand, the mind helps us respond to and manage the endless stream of input we are exposed to, minute to minute. On the other hand, the processes that help the mind do this can become distorted. When our thoughts become unbalanced in some way, we can call them “cognitive distortions.”
Cognitive distortions are errors in our thinking, which can lead to upsetting emotions and unwanted behavior. They may feel particularly jarring during a break-up, considering that emotions are likely to already feel tender and behaviors less familiar.
Cognitive Distortions
Three cognitive distortions you may experience following a break-up are:
Fortune Telling: You may be fortune telling if you notice yourself believing or predicting that things from here will turn out badly.
Personalization: You may be personalizing if you are blaming yourself for something that wasn't completely (or at all) your fault.
Shoulds: You may be ‘should-ing’ if you notice yourself thinking that you ‘should’ have done/be doing something differently; or, that they ‘should’ have done/be doing something differently.
Perhaps you can relate to this: Your romantic relationship has ended. Understandably, you are sad and perhaps angry, anxious, or overwhelmed. As you try and process this change in your life, you may notice thoughts like:
“I am never going to be able to trust anyone again.” [fortune telling]
“It’s my fault for expecting too much.” [personalization]
“They should have been able to tell me how they felt.” [shoulds]
Thoughts like these can add fuel to the firepit of emotions and unwanted behaviors. Consider practicing these steps to help you change the focus of your attention and redirect your energy where you want it to flow.
Practice
Pause and take a few deep breaths.
Observe and name your experiences: What is your mind saying? What is your body physically feeling (e.g., tension, constriction)? What emotions are present?
Challenge the thoughts.
You may ask, “Is it true? Do I have ‘evidence’ for this thought?”
If it is not true, what do you know to be true?
If it is true, is the thought helpful? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
Consider rewording the thought to be true, kind, and helpful. Do you notice a shift to your emotional reaction or a change to your behavioral urge? Get curious about what may change within you when you redirect your energy to flow in a more helpful, kind, and true direction.
Learn More
If you want to learn more, check out Breaking Up Bravely: A Guide to Holistic Healing When Your Heart Hurts. This free ebook is available here.
If you are interested in holistic therapy and personal growth after your break-up, please reach out to schedule a free 15-minute informational phone consultation. Together we can see if Grow True may be the right fit to help you bravely get through your break-up.
Disclaimer: Please note that visiting this website does not constitute a doctor-client therapeutic relationship. The information and resources included or linked on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional. We do not know the specifics of your situation or have the facts to provide this type of evaluation and recommend that you seek an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional to establish a doctor-client therapeutic relationship. This website also includes links to other websites for informational and reference purposes only. This website does not endorse, warrant or guarantee the products, services or information described or offered at these other websites.
