Increase Willpower for Best-Self Living
We often hear the word ‘willpower’ - or the ability to control our actions, emotions, and urges - thrown around a lot. “If only I had the willpower….. They have so much willpower… You’ve got to have the willpower.” In numerous circumstances, we would all likely enjoy a bit more willpower - the willpower to exercise, navigate the dessert table at a holiday party, or change that pesky habit. Since we unfortunately can’t plant willpower trees, what can we do?
Here are a few strategies that may help us increase a sense of self-control and leave us feeling closer to our best selves.
What's Going On?
What’s going on - within us, beyond us, and in between? Let’s call upon our friend, mindfulness, as we aim to increase our awareness of what’s going on. When we practice mindfulness, we may attune ourselves to what’s going on by checking in with:
Internal experiences (such as thoughts, emotions, urges, and physical sensations)
External experiences (such as events, people, stimuli, and environmental cues)
And, their possible interaction (Like that time we were in the kitchen, stressed, remembering that there are cookies in the pantry, and having the urge to eat them).
mindfulness
Using mindfulness, we can aim to be aware of these experiences, shift away from 'autopilot' behavior, and create space. In that ‘place of space' we may choose how we want to respond with more awareness, and possibly give ourselves an opportunity to act accordingly. It doesn’t mean that exerting self-control in this ‘place of space’ is easy, but without the space to choose to exercise self-control, we may be really fighting a tough battle.
What Do You Value?
What can help us choose self-control when we are standing in that place of space?
Insert: VALUES.
Values refer to those things in life that are important to us - things such as family, friends, achievement, personal growth, or kindness. Values are not things that we ‘check off’ the to-do list, such as we may do with goals. Rather, values may be thought of as the compass that can guide our daily behavior in purposeful ways.
Values can help shed light on why it matters to me in this moment to exert self-control. Why does it matter to control my actions, emotions, or urges in a specific way?
For example, during the holidays you may feel increased frustration or irritation boiling up as you spend concentrated time in close quarters with family members. We might feel the urge to disregard their opinion, respond with a passive-aggressive tone, or express frustration. Yet, we could also choose to mindfully call upon possible values in this situation - perhaps a value of family or kindness. Calling upon values may help us exercise self-control, as seen through patience, mindful listening, or effective communication, for example.
From Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we can use the ‘choice point’ model to help us move toward our values. Imagine you’re walking along and reach a fork in the road - we can choose to go left and move ‘away’ from our value or we can choose to go right and move ‘toward’ our value. At the fork, there will likely be challenging thoughts, sensations, or emotions that may make moving away from the value seem like a desirable choice. But wait!
Let’s consider some questions, such as these examples, to help us make a mindful choice at that fork:
What is important to me in my life?
What outcome do I want?
What type of person do I want my actions to reflect?
What is going to help my ‘future self’ feel their best?
What is important to my ‘future self?’
value
Reflecting on value-driven questions may help us feel more clear about why it is important to exercise willpower in certain situations.
Join Forces with Yourself
We are aware of what we want and we know why we want it. What can help us get down to it when the going gets tough?
Hello, self-compassion! Despite many of the looming myths about self-compassion, research shows that being compassionate with ourselves can actually increase our ability to get things done and take responsibility for our actions.
Self-compassion can offer us that space to say, “Hey, I wish I hadn't done this or that, but I am human and we all make mistakes. I want to do this differently next time” or “I really value my health, so today I am going to choose to move my body as a gesture of love and kindness.”
Fierce self-compassion
Bravely choosing behavior that supports our best selves may be considered fierce self-compassion, as introduced by Dr. Kristin Neff. Fierce self-compassion helps us take action when it is needed, and is a balancing counterpart to the nurturing self-compassion that provides us a safe place to learn and grow.
References:
McGonigal, K. (2012). The willpower instinct. The Penguin Group. New York, New York.
Neff, K. (2021). Fierce self-compassion. HarperCollins. New York: New York.
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