How to Spot Avoidance
Have you ever named yourself a “procrastinator,” or find that you put things off to the very last minute?
In some situations, what is often referred to as procrastination may be more accurately referred to as “avoidance.” Avoidance is our effort to not experience any number of things, such as thoughts, emotions, social settings, work obligations, or events. We may try to avoid for any number of reasons. For example, we may avoid processing grief because we do not want to become overwhelmed by sadness. Or, we may avoid going to the after-work social event because we fear judgment from others.
We can try to avoid in countless ways. Below are a few common avoidant behaviors. Have you ever found yourself turning to one of these behaviors when you’ve needed an excuse to not go to that party or when you’re trying really hard to stop worrying?
Thrown yourself into work
Socialized - a lot
Tried to be totally in control
Used alcohol or drugs
Watched television
Become distracted by your phone
Why might we go to such lengths to avoid? When we avoid, it can initially be quite satisfying because in that moment, we aren’t facing a difficult emotion, completing that nagging work task, or afraid that everyone at the party is criticizing us. We can avoid the immediate distress. So, if avoidance can keep our immediate distress at bay, why not just avoid all the time? Here are a few possible reasons and related examples:
· What we avoid usual comes back around (emotions like to be validated before they’ll move on)
· We may miss out on meaningful things in life (not getting on the plane due to fear of flying)
· It can cause suffering over time (the work task weighs on our minds until it is completed)
· It can contribute to feelings of guilt, anxiety, low mood, or shame (the longer the work task remains unfinished, the guiltier and more anxious we may feel)
Avoidance in not “always” bad. But,
Avoidance Can Limit Happiness and Fullness in life, and may Add to Suffering.
Since avoidance may limit our ability to be fully engaged in life, it can be helpful to spot avoidance if it is happening. With greater awareness about where avoidance may be present, we have an opportunity to make positive changes. Here are three ways avoidance could show up in life, possible reasons why, and ways it could be limiting happiness and fullness. Avoidance of:
Communication
Conflict and difficult conversations are two types of communication we could avoid. We may want to avoid conflict and difficult conversations because we don’t want to experience related emotions, upset others, or we could believe that we don’t have adequate skills or confidence to effectively express ourselves. Yet, avoiding communication could be limiting because we may:
· Not get our needs or wants met
· Develop resentment toward others
· Experience negatively impacted moods or lowered self-confidence
Experience
Avoidance of certain experiences may be present in our lives due to fear. For example, fear of something specific (flying, heights, elevators) or fear of certain situations (social gatherings, crowds) could cause us to avoid related experiences, such as traveling or staying in a high-rise hotel. We may avoid experiences because they cause anxiety and overwhelm, leaving us feeling as though we are unable to cope. Yet, avoiding experiences could be limiting because we may:
· Miss out on things in life that could contribute to positive emotions (spending time with friends or family)
· Limit opportunity for connection with others (avoiding dating to not get ‘hurt’ again)
· Not pursue goals, opportunities, or values (avoiding starting a business for fear of failure)
Difficult Emotions
Emotions can be hard to manage at times. It makes sense that we may want to avoid them from time-to-time, and sometimes it may even be helpful because some emotions can simply be too overwhelming to digest all at once. Yet, avoiding difficult emotions could be limiting because:
· Avoided emotions may grow stronger over time; and,
· May start interfering more and more with important parts of life, like work or relationships
· Other unwanted emotions may start to appear, like depression or anger
· It could stall valuable personal growth
Avoidant Behavior could be an Obstacle to starting therapy.
Yet, in therapy, we can receive support and learn skills that may help us lessen avoidance and embrace more happiness and fullness in life. Therapy could help you develop effective communication skills, enhance your confidence to face certain experiences, or increase your ability to tolerate and manage difficult emotions, including stress.
Learn More
If you would like support as you make efforts to implement positive changes in your life, reach out for a free 15-minute informational consultation. Decreasing avoidance may be an important part of a personal growth journey on the path to leading a fufilling, meaningful life. Let’s connect and see if Grow True is right for your needs.
Disclaimer: Please note that visiting this website does not constitute a doctor-client therapeutic relationship. The information and resources included or linked on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional. We do not know the specifics of your situation or have the facts to provide this type of evaluation and recommend that you seek an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional to establish a doctor-client therapeutic relationship. This website also includes links to other websites for informational and reference purposes only. This website does not endorse, warrant or guarantee the products, services or information described or offered at these other websites.
