Releasing Control for an Engaged Life
Do you prefer being in control? Me too. I prefer to feel like I have my ducks in a row, that I know what’s coming next, and that I am the master of my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes this works out well because a lot of things are in my control. I can control which vegetables I buy and how I treat others, for example. Unfortunately for me, and likely for you too, sometimes it doesn’t work out so well because there are simply a lot of things in life that are beyond our control.
Despite our knowing that we cannot control everything, we can be easily lured back to believing that we can. Have you ever tried to regain control by problem-solving or lots of planning? Does your desire for control get worse when things are important to you? This is understandable, and sometimes our efforts to control do work. But sometimes they don’t, and that can come at a cost. A major consequence of trying to control everything is that it can narrow our focus. We can start to lose perspective about other things that are happening in life, and sometimes those things are good! Beyond that situation or experience we are trying to control might be important people, enjoyable hobbies, good food, community, nature, or rest.
How can we become a bit less enchanted with being in control?
Here are some tips:
Challenge Yourself with One Question
Challenge yourself by asking, “is this within my control?” As you consider your answer, get picky. One aspect of a situation may not be within your control, while another may be. Let’s consider an example. You find yourself often doing what others want. You’re typically happy to ‘go-with-the-flow,’ agree with someone else’s point of view, or lend a helping hand even though you had other plans for the day. But over time, you find yourself growing resentful or even angry toward some people because it seems like you’re always doing it their way. An internal struggle starts to build: you want different types of relationships but aren’t sure how to get there.
Using this example, things that may be in your control could include choosing to communicate your wants and needs, and choosing how you treat others during communication. Things that may be beyond your control could include how someone else responds to you.
An Important Takeaway:
Sometimes it’s not all-or-nothing. There are often pieces that are within our control, even if some pieces are not. Taking a moment to think through what is and what is not within your control may help to calm racing thoughts or a need to find the ‘solution.’
Take Action if You Choose
If some things are within your control, are you willing to take those steps? To continue with our example, you may be feeling resentful and angry in some relationships, but speaking up may feel risky. Perhaps you fear they will judge you, or that you could cause conflict.
At this fork in the road, we could take one of two paths. First, take the known path. Nothing is likely to change, but you know what to expect. Second, take the lesser known path and try to move in the direction of desired change - like feeling confident when you communicate. I recognize that path number two can feel overwhelming. There could be thoughts (“what if you cause a fight?”), emotions (fear), or physical sensations (tension) that seem to be encouraging you to take the known path. But, what if you take the second path and it goes well? Pushing past unhelpful thoughts, emotions, or sensations could lead to more satisfying relationships or improved confidence, for example.
Consider asking yourself these questions if you’re considering action:
What can I do that is within my control?
What am I willing to do to move toward the outcome I desire?
Regardless of the outcome, what could I gain from trying?
Accept It
In comparison, there are countless things in life that are beyond our control. From the small things, like getting stuck in traffic, to potentially life changing events, like the death of someone we love. When things are beyond our control, a primary aim is often to ‘accept’ it. Acceptance does not mean approval, complacency, or denial. Acceptance does mean that we notice what is happening with a sense of openness and presence. Easier said than done, right?
Let’s consider an alternative to acceptance: avoidance. One way we resist accepting what is beyond our control is by avoiding the present moment experience. We can avoid thoughts, feelings, sensations, people, or experiences, for example. We can avoid in countless ways, like getting on our phones, eating food, or watching television. Whatever we avoid typically does not go away, but only grows in strength. By aiming to accept that there are things we cannot control, we can disengage from a tug-of-war with ourselves which can quickly zap our energy and time.
Consider asking yourself these questions to work toward acceptance:
What am I avoiding?
Is there a cost to this avoidance (time, energy)?
What would it be like to resist a bit less, even if only for a few moments?
Learn More
In summary, we can loosen our grip on control by using helpful self-talk, leaning into meaningful change if needed, and aiming to accept that which we cannot change. Remember, you do not have to do this alone. If you are looking for support on your personal growth journey, let’s connect for a free 15-minute informational phone consultation to see if Grow True is right for your needs.
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