Myth: “My Relationship Shouldn’t Have Conflict”
Have you ever felt like conflict in your relationship means something is wrong? Or frustrated by issues that don’t seem to go away? You might feel at times that if you could just solve that problem, you would be happy and content in your relationship. But the truth is that conflict is a normal part of a committed romantic relationship.*
Some problems may have solutions, but others do not. Research suggests that 69% of conflict in relationships is unsolvable (Gottman, 1994). In other words, there is no direct solution that makes the issue go away. A problem may be ongoing throughout a committed relationship because of differences in personality or lifestyle, for example. Whether problems have a quick solution or reappear again and again during a relationship, how conflict is managed can make all the difference.
if conflict is something that we need to accept as being a normal part of relationships, how can we Aim to best manage conflict?
Research from The Gottman Institute has suggested tips such as these:
Self-Soothe
In those moments when conflict becomes overwhelming, it can be a good idea to take a “time out” with the intention of self-soothing. Self-soothing involves different strategies that can help calm our physiological systems. Examples of activities that may be self-soothing include going for a walk, getting outside in nature, having a cup of tea, taking deep breaths, or cuddling with a favorite blanket. Mindfulness can help us notice when self-soothing may be beneficial, by increasing our awareness of inner experiences, such as thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.
During conflict (and other times in life), it is important that we know how to care for ourselves. Self-soothing can be an expression of care as we aim to enhance a sense of calm and ease within ourselves. Engaging in challenging conversations from a place of greater calm and ease is likely going to benefit conflict management.
Notice Affect
Affect refers to feeling states, like emotions. Paying attention to our affect at the start of conflict, and during conflict, can be an important part of conflict management. Research suggests that this is because conversations are likely to end similarly, or worse, than they began (Carrère & Gottman, 1999). For example, if we start by harshly criticizing our partner, the conversation is not likely to improve from there. What if instead we aimed to manage conflict using what the Gottmans’ refer to as a “soft start up.”
A soft start up refers to how we initiate dialogue about an issue or problem. A soft start up does not mean that we keep the concern to ourselves, nor does it include things like judgment, blame, or criticism of the other person. Rather, a soft start up may include a kind tone, open non-verbal behavior, sharing how we feel, describing the situation with objectivity rather than accusation, and being polite. Throughout the conversation, continued awareness of our affect is often helpful so that we can aim to have more more positive interactions than negative interactions – at least 5:1 to be specific (Gottman & Levenson, 1999). Research has found that during conflict, happy couples have at least five positive interactions (e.g., interest, affection, empathy, humor) for every one negative interaction (e.g., eye-rolling, defensiveness).
Paying attention to affect can also be an important strategy when dealing with those problems in a relationship that are ongoing. If the problem isn’t going to find a clearcut solution, it makes sense that we’d want to show up for the ongoing dialogue with positive affect like affection, compassion, and acceptance – right?
Talk About It
It can be a common tendency to keep things to ourselves; to not share concerns, issues, or hurt reactions because the day is too busy…we don’t want to engage in conflict…we fear losing our partner – the reasons are many. But try as we might, we typically can’t keep our feelings, needs, and wants neatly tucked away forever. What is accumulating will likely find its way out. That release might include a landslide of negativity, blame, resentment, or contempt. Approaching a discussion from this starting point is unlikely to lead to a desirable outcome.
Tending to matters as they arise could not only help us manage conflict with more positive affect and understanding, but it may also contribute to having our needs and wants met more consistently. Helpful tips when talking about issues with your partner could be to use a soft start up, aim for the 5:1 ratio, remember that you don’t have to agree, consider your partner’s feelings and desires, express empathy, and create rituals around sharing.
A Partnership without conflict is not the goal.
Rather, we can aim for good conflict management.
Let's Grow
Relationships are a beautiful part of the human experience. It does not mean that they need to be perfect to be “good.” With greater acceptance that conflict is a normal part of a committed relationship, we can pivot to focus on kind, effective conflict management rather than the elimination of conflict.
If you would like to learn more about how to create the relationships you desire or help managing relational anxiety, reach out for a free 15-minute informational consultation. I want to support my clients on their personal growth journey.
*Please know that mention of “conflict” in this blog does not include abuse of any kind. Conflict, as referenced in this blog, refers to everyday issues.
Disclaimer: Please note that visiting this website does not constitute a doctor-client therapeutic relationship. The information and resources included or linked on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional. We do not know the specifics of your situation or have the facts to provide this type of evaluation and recommend that you seek an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional to establish a doctor-client therapeutic relationship. This website also includes links to other websites for informational and reference purposes only. This website does not endorse, warrant or guarantee the products, services or information described or offered at these other websites.
References:
Carrère, S., & Gottman, J. M. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of marital conflict discussion. Family Processes Journal, 38, 293-301.
Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce! The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes. Hillsdale, NJ. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Gottman. J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1999). What predicts change in marital interaction over time? A study of alternative models. Family Processes Journal, 38, 143-158.
